• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.
Female, early 30s. Software engineer, raised in the Midwest and now live on the West Coast. Majored in English in college but took random math & CS classes throughout school. Before software, I worked in publishing and had a job managing publication schedules, which I haaaaaated— too detail oriented and I just fundamentally didn’t care.
I always thought I was “uncreative” and avoided the arts, thought I wanted a science career, until I was about 16 and started discovering my own, more structured creativity type. Thus I enjoyed studying literature as I could explore a lot of related disciplines and fold them all into an argument based on a piece or pieces of text. Enjoyed constructing an argument in that way. Enjoyed psychoanalytic theories of literature.
• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?
Have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It’s mostly under control now, though of course I still struggle. Have considered that I’m ADHD or mildly autistic. Now that Asperger’s is no longer a diagnosis and I’ve learned more about ASD, I doubt I would be diagnosed for real.
• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?
Very free range childhood. Many younger siblings (I was oldest). Grew up in a rural area where people would hunt, fish, etc. but I was never outdoorsy. Preferred sitting on the floor of my messy room reading. I loved reading The Babysitters Club (loved that there were so many different personalities, different books were written from different characters’ POVs, and I could “learn” about people through them), Encyclopedia Brown and the Cam Jansen books (detective children’s lit). I loved funny things, especially cartoons, and when I was a young kid (pre-Internet) I would keep notebooks where I’d write down the funniest jokes and quotes in the notebooks while watching TV. (Where they are now, I have no idea... ) I had a lot of neighbors for a rural place and would play with the neighbor kids, though I never closely bonded with them. I used to do my older neighbor’s math homework for fun (oops).
I had one best friend through all of school (a guy), and we were EXTREMELY close. We would rarely talk about feelings or social life, just had very similar taste in ideas, comedy and culture. LOVED pacing around the playground together at recess coming up with absurd storylines and jokes and talking about our favorite things (James Bond movies, Nintendo games, Nickelodeon cartoons like KaBlam!). Two of our favorite hangouts were 1) weekend long sleepover where we’d rent movies like Air Force One or Leslie Nielsen comedies and watch them repeatedly, 2) watch the vintage Nickelodeon Games and Sports channel for hours cracking jokes about the hosts and contestants. People always assumed we would eventually date but we would joke that if we had kids they were turn out sterile because we were so romantically disinterested in each other. Pure brain connection, though we would very occasionally discuss our feelings of sadness or longing for things as teens (to be involved in a subculture, dating woes, etc.)
• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?
Software engineer. It’s not a perfect fit for me as it requires a lot of business alignment, but the periods where I can get lost for 2-3 weeks designing and prototyping and then implementing things to my standards are my favorite and very rewarding, don’t feel like work. I like reading about software design and software design principles in my free time.
I’ve had a million jobs throughout high school, college and young adulthood. Always hated anything administrative or support, hated project management of any kind. (Deadlines!! Procedures! Augh!!) Tended to flit from job to job because I was not interested in doing anything long term or having seniority.
Didn’t mind jobs with social interaction if it was brief and straightforward and jokes were permitted (bank teller, cashier) but hate jobs where team bonding and chemistry is a big emphasis. I don’t mind having short, pleasant interactions with people but just do not want to have a long-term, deep relationship with people I work with day after day. Tried waitressing and bartending since I didn’t mind being a bank teller but it was too far on the social/outgoing side and I didn’t last long.
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
Refreshed! I love spending the weekend by myself. I live with my boyfriend in a small apartment and treasure the times he goes out to do his own thing, so I can play my podcasts, do projects alone, etc. I take a bubble bath twice a week as “me time” even though... basically my whole life is “me time.”
• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?
Always hated and was bad at sports. In school I’d go to the back of the line in softball pretending I already batted so I wouldn’t have to embarrass myself. Super slow runner. Generally awkward. The only sport I was ever good at (and I was pretty good, beat a couple of male jocks and they got furious about it) was badminton.
As an older adult, I’ve convinced myself to do exercise and sport for my health. I used to run (loved it because I didn’t need anything but shoes and could go anytime). Now I do Pilates, but plan to do more running. I enjoyed spin class pre-pandemic. Anything I can do basically on autopilot and with minimal preparation or equipment I tend to like.
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
Very curious. At work my biggest issue is wanting to research everything down to the last detail in lieu of actually executing. I like to know things. I have a lot ideas, much less execution. As a kid I loved Rube Goldberg machines (always wanted to make one to gather together my stuff in the morning for school) and electronics but never built them or played around with Legos or anything. Preferred to draw diagrams if I did anything at all. (In fact, draftsmanship was my favorite part of wood shop in high school.)
Tend to be a very high or very low performer based on whether something sparks my genuine interest. Bad at faking interest or being disciplined to study things I’m not interested in.
My ideas tend to be about human nature, psychology and art, especially film. Definitely conceptual. I like esoteric things and watched a lot of independent movies in my teens. Love David Lynch for the way he explores a theme or idea repeatedly from different angles. Love Cronenberg, Kubrick, and Michael Mann. In literature I have gone through phases with different authors including Nathaniel Hawthorne, Philip K Dick, Richard Yates, Willa Cather, and others. Like musing in issues of human motivation, evil, the unconscious. Went through a big Freudian phase, a Marxism phase. It wasn’t that I agreed with either of them 100% but loved their systematizing approach to human nature and society. Enjoyed studying political philosophy in school for the same reason.
I’m drawn to certain topics in science and math but they have to be a balance of not too applied, not too abstract. For instance, I’m drawn to algorithms and algorithm design and information theory. I love the elegance and power of both. I used to joke I wanted to learn more physics because as a very lazy person, I’m a big fan of the simple machines (for the same reason, elegance and power). I tend to like tools that follow the same principle... love an excuse to use a rotary ratchet. I like putting together IKEA furniture and find it soothing, but don’t generally like woodworking because I’m too paranoid and perfectionist and it becomes stressful and OCDish for me. (Maxims like “measure twice, cut once” become “measure fifteen times, procrastinate cutting...”).
I like cooking, but not elaborate things. My boyfriend and I are vegan and my favorite thing is to find a way to veganize a dish I used to eat or find a substitute for an ingredient I don’t have on hand. We get a CSA box and I love coming up with ideas for what to do with each ingredient and making a plan, even if I don’t always execute.
(Vegan for the following reasons, in descending order of importance: animal welfare, simplification of cooking/food decisions, health & weight management, environmental concerns.)
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
No! I hate it. My boyfriend and I are trivia buffs and regularly come in first place at our local bar trivia despite being a two-person team. Recently at work, we did a trivia game and no one wanted to be captain... so I volunteered... and we came in last. I just couldn’t juggle leading the team, thinking, and being thorough and precise at the same time!
If I have to lead, my style is very laissez-faire... I’ve had interns in the past and it usually goes “here’s a problem, figure it out on your own, check in with me once a week and I’ll give feedback, then go do it and ask me questions as necessary.” I liked helping to build their confidence but really hated the process of guiding them beyond just giving them honest feedback when they came to me with ideas.
• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
Nope. Thus the badness as sports. However, hand-eye coordination is great and that’s why I’ve enjoyed badminton and ping pong, they require little strength and overall body coordination as a beginner. Working with my hands... like I said, I like assembling or fixing things (esp. coming up with clever fixes) but not so much building something from scratch. I like the meditative simplicity of cutting veggies when I cook. I do Pilates precisely because strength and mind body coordination are lacking for me.
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
I wrote more above, but my favorite art forms are literature, then film, then visual art, then music, in that order. I find it insanely hard to connect with music and generally like music that’s more meta, ironic, dark, humorous or conceptual (Johnathan Richman, Steely Dan, and loved Weird Al growing up).
In literature I like dark themes, intrigue, psychological content. Off the top of my head, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Patricia Highsmith, John Fowler, John LeCarre. In more fun reading, I love detective and spy stuff, including Sherlock Holmes. Also have a love/hate relationship with Stephen King. I read a decent amount of nonfiction, mostly about war and military history.
In film I like Kubrick, Lynch, Cronenberg, and have called all my favorite director at one time or another. I like Welles for how well he can represent dreamlike reverie. I love Michael Mann, esp Manhunter and Thief, two of my all time favorite movies. In pop culture I like the Bond movies, love Al Pacino.
• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
Oof. The past is often a source of pain and regret for me; I have some overactive guilt. A painful thing for me growing up was being parentified and overfunctioning a lot (many younger siblings, divorced parents) even though I’m not very inherently responsible or dutiful. I do tend to get nostalgic about things I was into growing up (silly things like favorite candies that aren’t made anymore, favorite cartoons, etc.)
In the present I focus a lot on balance, keeping myself in check (tendency to not clean, to daydream and not focus on work, to get overwhelmed when I have too many expectations on me). I need to have fun a lot to stay on track, though for me “fun” is not the outgoing type of fun (so ordering takeout, reading a great book, bubble baths, video games). I tend to automate and systematize parts of my life and personal care that bore me and that I would normally avoid. (Things like what to cook, when to wash my hair, etc.) I usually have to pair stuff I hate with stuff I like to get it done. (Playing a funny podcast while I cook or clean, etc.)
The future tends to stress me out, honestly. Like I said, I’m in my early 30s and deciding whether I want kids is a big question. I’ve never felt particularly maternal, but was surprised when my nieces and nephews were born how strongly I felt toward them, so it’s made me question what will really fulfill me. I’m not great at planning or sticking to plans. Tend to make decisions in the moment... for instance, I’d find it very stressful and difficult to plan to buy a house (saving, figuring out what to look for), but if I go look at houses, I’m likely to fall in love with one right away and commit fast.
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
I generally feel overburdened when people depend on me a lot. But I don’t mind helping with things like... talking through a problem with an intern at work and kind of breaking it down into a decision tree to pick a solution. Sharing advice with someone that I heard from someone else. Or talking someone through what they want from a job, or a college. I like talking to first generation college students (or prospective students) about how to get ahead, which was an experience I went through. So I don’t mind helping people abstractly but generally don’t like helping to... set up for a party, or something like that. I will do it but feel stressed and can’t wait for it to be over.
• Do you need logical consistency in your life?
Haha. Well, somewhat. Hard to say what this really means, because I can be impulsive, but generally have a hard time defending a decision unless I can speak logically about it. I don’t always realize that though, and can go around and around questioning something and not being sure why I’m not comfortable until I realize I haven’t logicked it out. I tend to make “if this, then that” type decision algorithms for myself to model outcomes or expedite decision making. “If it’s sunny tomorrow, X is the best thing to do on our vacation, but if it’s cloudy we’ll do Y and reschedule X for the next sunny day. Should be easy because Z can be bumped regardless of weather, and X and Y are priorities over Z.” Stuff like this that drives my boyfriend and family insane looool.
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
Hmmmm. I am not especially productive, but do tend to prize efficiency. My boyfriend is very considerate of other people’s feelings, including mine, and will often ask 3-4 questions to build up to his main question/request, and I’m always saying things like “it would have been much more efficient to just ask the main question!” I like to “multithread” (not multitask) what I’m doing as much as possible— when cooking, I try to optimize each operation of the recipe for time (so if chopped veggies aren’t needed until after broth has simmered, definitely will put broth on to simmer and chop while waiting). This sometimes backfires when I pack too much in for efficiency’s sake and end up having to go into hyperdrive to make sure I don’t delay a step. An annoying habit I have is to ask boyfriend “if you knew we’d have to wait for X, why did you do Y first? Should have started X then did Y in the meantime.” Or saying, “You always ask me this, and the answer is always yes, you can stop asking for efficiency’s sake and I won’t be mad if someday you don’t ask and the answer is no.” He just gives me a knowing look at this point!
I am also obsessed with packing groceries efficiently in our cart and arranging our overpacked fridge like Tetris...
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
As in the last question, I can be a bit picky and bossy about doing things efficiently and will be a bit controlling about that. I watched a sitcom recently where a girl was playing with her friend, and the mom came in to say she needed the girl for a sec, after which the girl said to her friend “you said you needed a bathroom break for number two... here’s your window.” Yeah, that is unfortunately me...
I tend to be fine with other people doing whatever they want to do, but I’m very independent, so if the decision affects me then I can get squirrelly. And I also pains me to watch others make decisions that appear to me guided by their low self worth, I always want to intervene and convince them to act in a way that places more value on themselves. I will definitely pull the “it’s illogical to act that way, it’s a lose-lose scenario!” type argument, which can make me seem bossy and out of touch.
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?
I have always struggled to articulate this but as I get older I see more clearly. Obviously, reading and watching films. Television, but I’m picky about what I watch. I tend to like highbrow or campy.
Food and food culture/history— I’m always surprised when someone doesn’t know as much about food as I do, because I don’t consider it a strong hobby (as a very casual home chef), but I obviously read about food more than I cook. I like reading about, for instance, how a typical middle class French family prepares and eats a meal, or the origin of the word “supper,” or learning about dishes from Eastern cultures that surprise me with unfamiliar ingredients or techniques. I like to make food that feels a bit experimental, rustic, or “magical,” like using chia or rice flour to create spongy texture, eating rice and green tea together as a soup (Japanese snack), creating Swedish breads and buns, making vinegar from leftover wine, making vegan cheese, etc. I don’t like the part of cooking that is about making big, elaborate, magazine-ready spreads and feasts. More about learning tricks and discovering new things.
I love logic puzzles and have taken LSAT practice quizzes for fun. I enjoy deduction. Going down information rabbit holes. Wine and beer tasting is fun to me, and I tend to intellectualize it and get obsessed with history and culture or wine/beewhatever. I like learning about process, like wine or beer making.
Trivia, as previously mentioned. Have been in trivia groups and leagues consistently for the last 15 years. Like Jeopardy!, playing Trivial Pursuit, etc. I tend to know a lot about a certain subjects and have huge general knowledge gaps elsewhere, whereas my boyfriend is a generalist with a great memory, so we make a good team.
I have tried crafting in the past and while knitting mindlessly can be a good destresser, I don’t enjoy the attention to detail required to make an actual thing that fits. I like decluttering my stuff, throwing things away lol. I like minimalism and streamlining unnecessary stuff and making things work for me, my way. For instance, I have a bunch of figurines from my nieces and nephews that I like to keep out to honor them, but I hate clutter and never dust. As a compromise, I bought a box of canned air so I could just blow the dust off them without needing to rearrange them each time, and then the dust gets vacuumed up later...
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?
I cannot take verbal instructions. Used to be a huge issue with my dad who would always want to tell me how to drive somewhere, or how to do something, and I’d nod my head and pretend to understand then go look it up myself. I prefer reading and learn a lot from doing, though I have to push myself into doing as it’s not my instinct.
I loved learning grammar in grade school and caught onto it right away. Loved foreign language classes for that reason, almost did linguistics. Enjoyed math but only some things— didn’t care to calculate compound interest, but loved solving optimization problems and writing proofs. I could be very very good at memorizing quickly under pressure, but without pressure... would simply not do it. In catechism I once memorized four prayers in 30 minutes so I could get a necklace a missionary brought from Panama, which I knew all week but forgot/procrastinated until the last minute. I would “impress” people by memorizing long strings of digits quickly. Was good at quiz bowl because I would remember a lot of random stuff, even if I had to be like “you know, the thing that caused the thing, and the guy was involved... “ until that jogged someone else’s memory.
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?
Another hmm. I am great at strategizing in my personal life and decision making, but at work I tend to jump in and wing it without a clear plan or direction. I would say I’m better at optimizing an existing system than coming up with one from scratch. I don’t like to change direction a lot, but I feel the need to explore a lot before coming up with a plan. Have to remind myself regularly that problem solving means breaking things into discrete pieces.. I will gladly solve small problems once they’re broken down, but writing the plan myself gives me anxiety as I feel I’m neglecting the big picture.
• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally?
Like I said above, I’ve always wanted a romantic partner but was never worried about getting married or having a family, until recently where it’s become a very real last minute thing. Never imagined my future wedding, just wanted someone (one someone!) to share things with. Used to have a vague idea I wanted to go into academia, but the politics of it kind of make me ill. If I have to put up with that stuff, would rather just work in the “real world” where I don’t take things too personally. (If it was my life’s work and not just a job, I’d be much more stressed about politics. Plus the way academia is so competitive is blechh.)
I have always loved cities and not minded apartment living (I don’t notice people around me much, can be alone in a crowd) but as I get older I might like to have a house and a yard somewhere isolated so I can nest a bit more and have space for projects like homebrewing.
I have a love/hate relationship with travel. Love experiencing new places and learning more about the world, but need a lot of R&R and a slow pace.
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?
Huge social anxiety. I am self-conscious and aware that I come across as “weird.” Fear of looking silly or dumb. I hate dealing with macho guys who get off on making you look bad so they look cool.
I am made uncomfortable by a lot of things. Growing up, I was a tomboy and wore boys clothes. Hated uncomfortable or restrictive clothing. Was a picky eater, MUCH more adventurous now but still avoid gloppy or overprocessed things. I’m bothered by people who ask questions and don’t listen to the answer. Can’t stand being in a big group, bonding.
• What do the "highs" in your life look like?
This is hard for me to answer. Favorite memories are times being with all my siblings and making each other laugh super hard, same with friends and boyfriend. Achieving something, being recognized as smart or creative. (This applies to getting good feedback for solving a hard problem, or a time I won an award for poetry I wrote.) Giving a speech or presentation and getting good feedback. Feeling like I’ve done something difficult with a level of finesse. Having someone respond well to my ideas, in a “yes, and” way.
• What do the "lows" in your life look like?
Times I’ve hurt the feelings of people who trusted me, without realizing it. Times I’ve been bossy and insensitive in the past coming back to haunt me and make me feel like trash. Failing at something publicly or procrastinating and NOT pulling it off at the last second.
• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?
I daydream a lot. Can sit on the couch all day on a Saturday without feeling the need to do much. Very unaware of surroundings, having a tendency to look at the ground while walking around and totally zone things out.
• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?
Usually “what am I going to do about X?” where X is something that’s nagging at me. Whether it’s a problem at work, someone who beat me in an argument and it’s driving me insane, or some interpersonal dynamic. Trying to break it apart into pieces mentally and create a picture that makes sense to me.
• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?
Not long. I have made big life decisions without much thought— things like transferring colleges, moving across the country for a job. Almost got married right after high school, but broke things off pretty fast. Joined a religion when I was 16, then quit after 6 months and never looked back. I do change my mind a lot. I don’t tend to make decisions I feel like I can’t back out of without a really urgent reason.
• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?
Takes awhile. Emotions are important to me as signals that something is wrong. It’s taken a long time, therapy, and a lot of reading for me to understand that my feelings are information I can use, and not to be ignored or shoved away, or mutated into guilt and self-torture. Emotions are like keys to a lock or puzzle pieces to me now. I am a problem-solver when it comes to bad juju. Often trying to help other people walk through their feelings, too.
• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?
With strangers, I am unlikely to pretend to agree or vocally disagree. I’ll say “hmm, interesting” or “oh mmm, I see” or something and avoid getting into it. With people I’m close to, I can be very opinionated to the point of hurting feelings and have to tamp it down a lot.
• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?
I am afraid of breaking rules when it comes to the law— kind of paranoid, probably why I like Kafka and Highsmith and spy and detective stuff. When it comes to non-legal stuff, I will break rules regularly if the consequences are vague or unserious (in college I would skip requirements and try to get away with using other classes as a substitute, which often worked). But I don’t like to break rules that could hurt others (I am following all the pandemic guidelines, for instance.) I definitely have a skepticism about authority but also a concern for the common good, so I am not a total libertarian. I generally think authorities are bogus and authority is abused and mishandled.

Edit: Grammar
Edit2: Capitalized the "g" in "RaGey thing". Just...if you look at it too fast otherwise it looks really bad
Edit3: Wow...just a lot of stuff I really fricked up first time around. This was not even readable before I swear
Man, this one took way too long to write. When did I say I was doing this? A week ago? Anyway, it's here now, so moving on
Alright, time to analyze the abilities of John Homestuck, the mainest of main characters of the web series Homestuck
Heir of Breath
Windy thing, one with the wind, retcon - all John powers
Blood sacrifice - John let's himself be trapped for years without his retcon powers in order to stop the big bad, and all other heirs of breath will be tasked with a similar fate. They must sacrifice their aspect to ensure its future propagation, a death into life sort of thing
Honestly, I'm not sure how much I can add onto this one? John's quest is by far the most complete in Homestuck so far, with his death in the Epilogues signifying that paradox space has completely used up everything they needed him for and has discarded him like a piece of trash. That can only mean that as far as the narrative is concerned, he's hit his peak. And honestly? That doesn't seem too bad, the dude was broken as fuck right up until he decided to bite the big one. If and when he does come back, I imagine we won't see too much more development out of him as Jake seems to have completely taken over his role as protagonist. We'll see, though. I guess there are two things he could add to his arsenal:
Rasenshuriken - condenses all the mighty winds of a thousand typhoons into one little compact ball of windy energy. It would spin with such speed and intensity that you would probably hear it give off and ear-splitting high pitched whine, cutting into your eardrums like the wind would slice through anything it makes contact with. Him clashing with Dirk's unbreakable katana using this move would be some Naruto vs Sasuke-ass shit, I'll tell ya that much
8^y - John rolls the highest roll possible on his Pop-O-Matic Vrillyhoo. He sends typhoons so great that they collapse in on themselves and make a new green sun
Heir of Life
This is a completely broken aspect. Then again, this is heirs we're dealing with, what else is new?
Excessive strength - these guys are like natural disaster levels of absurd when it comes to punching power. Like a mini one punch man, most of the enemies they fight go flying a hundred miles away like in a cartoon every time they eat one of these guy's fists. That paired along with their naturally cheery attitude and tendency to use comically large and cumbersome weapons makes them proper cartoon character material
Aqua man, but better - like a rust blood, the heir of life has the ability of communion with animals. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they were able to get their own Denizen to leave their planet and help fight the black king with them, that's how personable they are
Plant manipulation: the life player's version of the windy thing would probably be pretty similar to Hashirama's wood-style jutsu, using giant plants with thorns as whips and means of grabbing, binding, throwing, and the ability to encase themselves in dense wood for protection. Their powers are explosive and...say for example, Jack Noir cuts the chain and prospit's moon starts to fall to the battlefield. The heir of life is so powerful, they could grow a world tree miles into the air and catch it before it's destroyed. That's the scope of what they can pull off in one attack once god tiered
It's Morphin time - the heir can also magnify their already busted strength via shape shifting into stronger animals. At this point we're talking Rage Mode Gamzee level strength PLUS Equius PLUS Dad Egbert. They can mimick gorillas, Hercules beetles, mantis shrimp, eagles, sharks--they're Ultimate Kars. THEY. ARE. ULTIMATE. KARS.
Never challenge this guy to an arm wrestling match, unless you're something ridiculous like a fully realized Page of the same aspect. Man, whoever has that classpect must be super strong. And handsome. What? Oh yeah, the list
Planet Quest - be a sacrifice to your denizen. If John's quest is any indication, the heir's greatest ability is usually both unlocked and used on the planet itself. For John, he had to make a pretty puny sacrifice of being tied down by terezi's orders, but that's kinda one of the biggest benefits of being a breath player is that you get to have it easy. A life player isn't so lucky. Because a heir has to sacrifice themselves to their compliment to unlock their true abilities, the heir of life would accept death at the hands of their Denizen in order to bring back all their dead allies or universes. This could probably even bring back dream ghosts, and the wonderful thing about being an heir is that you usually get to come back. I mean geeze, how many times has John died and come back to life? And watch, he's going to do it again in a little bit. You know he will
Heir of Light
Oh look, one of my old classpects
Light speed - they are light, so what's stopping them?
Massive luck supply - unlike Vriska who had to save up luck and use it sparingly, an heir just kinda has luck naturally, and a ton of it too. They aren't quite Clover's level, but they have consistent bouts of luck where they bend over right before a sniper shoots or the way Karkat just so happened to decide to leave his hive right after raging at sollux and running that virus. They would be impossible to sucker punch, and oftentimes their surprised, uncoordinated reactions to attacks will just so happen to throw them out of the way. They would be very lucky with the fluorite octet (captcha code 82THE8TH, shit is open source dawg), and probably get the highest roll in 1/10 of the crucial moments in which they throw dice, getting better and more consistent with it (somehow) as they grow
Invisibility: can bend light around them through passively manipulating it. Can also just...become light and spread all over the room too, but that might make it hard to focus
Sweet loot: the heir would have a knack for knowing just where to look to get what they need, and would probably have a magic cue ball on them at some point as well. Things may start getting real dicey if they start asking about god tier clocks and crowbars, but chances are they're too dumb to ask about that since they're an heir (no offense)
Void session reboot - if a void session has gone on long enough, the heir can succumb to the Voidy blackout bullshit in their session and be overcome by it in order to unlock the true light within them that sees on into eternity, endless possibility. And they'll use that to completely reset their session with the proper players and circumstances
Heir of Time
Unhealthy amount of focus - as soon as the heir of time gets started on a task or job, they can't stop. They will angrily shake off anyone who tries to disturb their concentration, and at some point they will look down, check their watch and be all like "IT'S BEEN NINE HOURS?! WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME???"
Yeah, sure, NOBODY told you. You just keep telling yourself that, bud
The World - the heir won't have to worry about this too much though, as from the moment they enter their session they gain the passive ability to slow down time the more they focus, with the ability getting better any better with every rung on the Eccheladder they climb, and then when they reach god tier they can stop time entirely for 5 seconds, with a cooldown starting at one minute and getting shorter with each god tier level. Thus, they will progress exponentially as the game goes on as they are given the ability to allot more and more time to their task
Winds of time - the heir has the unique ability to merge with the flow of time itself, then time travel through that medium. In this state they're aware of any doomed timelines in temporal proximity to them, and can flow between timeline to timeline as free as a bird. Eventually paradox space stops distinguishing between alpha and doomed versions of this player, as they will begin to inadvertently flow together and mix, memories and everything
Localized time travel - can make one part of a system go faster, slower, backwards, backwards, not at all, etc, and do something completely different or nothing at all with another part of the system. In other words, they can make the base of a tree age a thousand years while keeping the rest the same age, making it look like a skinny little tree is growing out of a stump, when in fact they are the same tree
Clockwork majyyks - just like how John inherited retcon powers and Equius inherited the void of the furthest ring through Lord English, the heir of time will also inherit a master class power, although be incredibly limited in its use. Since Heirs have to make a sacrifice with their aspect, they would probably be completely immortal for a short period of time, but then they have to give all the clockwork majyyks from their god tier clocks to somehow override the just/heroic deaths of other god tiers and be dealt the penalty instead, dealing them a swift death. And in doing so they inherit entropy, destruction, and death. Another form of their aspect
Heir of Heart
Oh look, another one of my old classpects is here. Welcome, heir of heart
Now get the fuck out of here - your dream self, at least. Chances are their dream self will be dead pretty quick, as they need to find out how to inherit ghostly powers, the soul powers. Keywords here with heart are Ghosts and The Power of Love...also ego, but we'll get to that in a bit. In the meantime it's advisable that you prototype your dream self, though you don't necessarily need to. It's just that you could probably keep those sprite powers upon god tiering since I'm pretty sure they count as ghost powers
Ghostly pizzowers - congrats, you're Casper. I mean, at least I HOPE you're a friendly ghost, cause here's the thing...ghosts are kind of immortal??? Well, I mean, you would only be part ghost like Danny phantom, but still. You don't damage easily, you got some sort of super strength, you have cool white eyes that are probably steaming because you're still alive and have a large supply of heart power in your body, and you would probably be the coolest dude in your session if you weren't such a dork. Oh, right, about that...
The Power of Love - yeah, you're a fucking dork alright. That's alright though, we love dorks and they tend to get all the ladies in the Homestuck universe anyway. John, Jake, Jade, Jane--oh, wait, no, not that one
In any case, The Power of Love is like the windy thing except instead you transform into a magical girl and use a pretty wand to blast enemies with like the feelings you have for your bf/gf/crush/waifu/husbando/your-narcissistic-ass-self/etc. A surprisingly devastating power, it vanquishes evil second best to only hope I would think
Alter ego - You have an OC? Congratulations, you can turn into them now. Technically every OC is a splinter self and you can swap between those just in general. You still have to be the magical girl every time you use The Power of Love though, that's non-negotiable. So yeah, think D4C but more limited. Damage probably transfers over a bit (though not too bad for a ghost person) and it's only for splinters you're aware of--OP if you Ultimate self, but that's a whole nother can of worms entirely
a whole nother can of worms entirely - You are a BEAST with your ultimate self. You can go to whatever timeline you want and fuck around with whatever. I wish I was joking, but that's kind of an inevitable thing with the heir of heart--they deal with the flow of their aspect and becoming it, after all. You lucky bastards. Tell the ninja superhero version of myself he can suck a dick, cause he's a lucky bastard too and I really don't understand where I went wrong in life to not end up in that timeline
Ultimate!Sacrifice - you can channel the powers of all of your alternate selves into one body, but as a result you consolidate all of them into one person and you no longer have any more splinters. You'll be absurdly powerful for a while, but think about it--you're already a ghost and you have no more timelines to hop to. You are your ultimate self. When you die, that's it. Lights out. And this is what makes this absurdly broken class balanced, as in the end you'll always have to do this. It's your role as the heir of heart. Will some miracle save you? Will the power of love bring you back from the dead one final time? Sounds like a load of bullshit to me, but as we all know magic is real so anything is possible
Heir of Rage
Oh shit, nevermind - magic is fake as SHIT, in fact you're pretty sure that anything like that starting with an m is fake -- magic, miracles, messiahs, even magnets. You can passively manipulate reality to suck the credibility out of anything even a little far-fetched. You suck the life and hope out of everyone, Mr. Grinch
Fear mongering - can passively manipulate people through mind abilities that instill fear in any action they don't like. For the target it's like you've had years of negative reinforcement surrounding actions you've never considered wrong in the past and regard doing it with an unexpected sense of shame. Like the Heir of Rage's presence just casts this huge, menacing shadow over everything you do. Even if you have the balls and courage to press through regardless of their mind games, it will still take a lot out of you since they're basically pumping you full of raw stress hormones. You might get halfway to them and be like "you know what? i...dkfjjj. i neebd to lied down. .. ." And then you just conk out like a light right then and there because you're just too emotionally exhausted
Propaganda - same thing but mass-produced
Heir Chucklevoodoo Mk I - can passively mind control their victim when ever they want through exhile-style commands. Must be within 3 feet of the voodoo though, so if they even so much as drop it the spell will probably be broken
Heir Chucklevoodoo Mk II - This one controls people not through their minds, but through everything else. They manipulate their environment gradually over a much greater radius, causing the victim to lose items, have the room change shape micrometer by micrometer 24/7, introducing even entirely new rooms if they can convince the victim it has always existed. It's kind of like how you don't notice yourself change growing up until you look back at when you were a baby, and are just like what the fuck how did that turn into this? Otherwise it's just too darn slow man
RaGey thing - oh...
oh god
This is where you take all the dormant rage from a several kilometer radius and unleash it, channeling it all into your opponent through your body. Any normal black king will die in one hit, the alpha troll's session black king in like probably 30 or something. It will hurt like hell for you too, but your body should also be pretty H A R D from the rage conditioning it so you shouldn't end up with Midoriya broken bones in the first attack. Maybe on the second attack. It would probably be good think about this like OFA, actually. Try using it in moderation so you don't hurt yourself and all. If you have a life player offering constant Regen though, you're broken. Insane DPS
Become Rage - in order for an heir to become one with their aspect, they have to sacrifice it. For the rage player, that means ditching their humanity like Dio or transcend their physical form through hope. It could be interpreted as either Jotaro Kujo's classpect or Dio's, which is why they have the same type of stand. They're not actually stopping time, they're just so mad that the world freezes around them when they command it. Notice how the saltier Jotaro is, the more time powers he unlocks and the harder his punchers get
Heir of Blood
Earthbound - You can't fly. no, I'm not just making a karkat joke. I mean since you embody bonds and human limits, you, your dream self, and your god tier are all physically incapable of flight. How in the world is this a useful power, you ask?
It isn't. You suck
Okay...not really - because your powers are still dope as hell. Do you know what turning into blood means? You can enter people's bodies and take control of them. Now. Okay, not gonna lie. This one can get a bit fucked up. If you've ever had something nasty in your blood stream for extended periods of time, you know what I mean. With every heartbeat you're just redistributing the same agony you felt seconds before and many, many times before that, and will continue on long into the future. And since it's blood it literally permeates throughout your entire body, every nook and cranny. It's absolutely horrible. Drink responsibly drinking age kiddos, hangovers are literally the worst. okay no worse experiences exist bUT IM GETTING OFF TRACK FUCK SHIT DAMN BACK TO THE POWERS
Blood brothers - you and your allies can all get passive boosts by signing blood contracts to follow each other to the ends of the Earth and even to hell the dark carnival itself. Careful, as a bloodbound you're often subject to bad fates like that. The boosts are pretty good though, and having your allies depend on you is probably what motivates you anyway****
My allies give me STRENGTH - the heir of blood can literally turn into their allies for a short period of time. No, you still can't fly, get over it. You're never flying. However, this ability let's you synthesize you and your allies' powers into new attacks for the sake of the team. you stand at the front lines. Also...
You can swap places with an ally - which makes traveling and strategizing very interesting. Easier, but harder too. You'll have to coordinate with your teammates a lot and be able to think fast on your feet, same as your allies. It's the kind of ability that sucks when you don't know what you're doing but actually has insane potential on the battlefield and is incredible for confusing and overwhelming opponents
Spiderman - as an heir you have an overwhelming excess of your aspect, so there's no way you can run out of blood by using it as claws and swinging from roof to roof with it. There's your replacement for flying
Cave meditation - you must isolate yourself from your friends for an entire year to gain spiritual knowledge. Then, you will be able to shapeshift into ANYTHING, as your bonds are omnipresent
Heir of Doom
H3Y WH475 UP 6UY5
Bootleg Bard - everywhere the heir goes any danger they encounter mysteriously suffers a horrible fate. This is their aspect trying to protect them, as the heir's aspect usually does. Unfortunately, this can lead to lots of misunderstandings and of course hurt people they love. Because of this, you might end up like Jotaro in jail so that you don't hurt anyone
Natural hacker - you don't have much hacking experience, but you seem to have a knack for it. If you could get sollux to teach you how you'd be a hacking MACHINE. I don't even know what that means, but I'm guessing you'll be able to make transportalizers go anywhere or paradox slime computers lock onto any object. Also ~ATH shenanigans
Doomy thing - you just cause a lot of death. Not sure how I can sugarcoat it more beyond that. You can wilt and rot fields for miles. You are death itself, what can I say
Mituna - you must rise to the challenge of making the world a better place, which probably doesn't resonate with you too much for some reason? Don't worry though, this will cause irreversible mental damage that will have you talking like a computer virus forever. Why do you want this, exactly? Who knows, in any case you stopped Kurloz from doing SOMETHING bad so I'll guess you...deserve it? Man, I really do not understand this character. Perhaps hero titles are in fact more nuanced than I would like to make them out to be...NAH, I'm 100% right, kiss my ass
Heir of Grief - you become doom, and thus you've been hit hard by Life. Life and Death like to pretend they're opposites, but in fact each of them likes kicking you around just as much as the other. Eventually, you become entirely consumed by despair, probably because something has gone horribly wrong in your session. Either your black king, Jack, or your session itself has too much life in it and it's your job to reintroduce consequences, authority, and death
Zombie virus - your hacker skills have finally paid off. You have invented a virus that can control hoards of people at a time, and download it into their brains through USB darts. You can control all of your imps/ogres/boss monsters now. You have one of the biggest npc armies of all the classpects actually, as you passively manipulate authority itself. Problem is they can only take general commands and attack as an army, whereas a witch would be able to precicely control every action and make double agents out of specific dersite soldiers, especially high ranking ones like Jack noir. They're muscle-oriented commands though, so Jack wouldn't really be all too useful
Overgrowth protection - a death in your session signifies a lack of overproduction in the new Earth you're creating. Authority is steadfast, and evolution is maintained. Unfortunately this means culling is commonplace, but you'll make a hella strong and dignified race. I wouldn't be surprised if the troll session had a heir of Doom
Heir of Void
D A%identally competent - you're the cartoon character who accidentally bumps into someone and sets off a rube-goldberg chain of events that somehow accomplishes whatever you were planning on getting done anyway. This also probably works the same way with whatever skill set you were born with, where you're freakishly talented in some way and have no idea why because you have no actual interest in that area
D-> Trans100cence - okay, actually, transparency. How shitty would it be if you were a god tier heir of void and couldn't turn invisible?
D-> We must go STRONGER DEEPER - we're blitzing chakras with this one yo. You must BECOME nothing and basically just disappear. With no form left to attach itself to, your consciousness will become one with everything. And then it will stop doing that because, honestly? That's a lot to take in. BUT you will find some pretty cool secrets and you can probably reappear wherever they are. You can find game-breaking items nobody even KNOWS about. They're sitting there basically just for you and other void players, but especially you
D-> Trunkbeast in the room - you can make it so that anyone you're not focused on doesn't notice you even if you're in plain view. You don't register in any of their sensory input, so they could be touching you and have no idea they're touching anything. So basically it's how you disappear with your phone so nobody can find you and make you do stuff
D-> Ma% obfuscation - aka the Voidy Thing. You can just blackout the fuck outta everything, like just make people be like fuck man I'm having a hard time existing up a████st this opponent, I mean w███ does th█t even m███████?? ██████████████AAAAHHH█████████████████████FUC██████████████NOOOO█████████████EECCHH█████████████████MMM█████████████████████████OOOOOHHHHHHHHH wow that was weird
There is no more. You get NOTHING
haha, get it? I mean, I suppose that's already a lot though. Moving on
Heir of Space
Background organizer - space players tend to fall back and let more active players take control of what they've provided for them. So do heirs. This creates a problem, no? Yeah, that's a no to your no there. You ever notice how much detail is in the scenery of earth? You look out onto the horizon and the trees stretch on for miles. An artist like me would simply scribble along the horizon to give the illusion of trees, but not this heir. They get ahead by planning ahead, and understand how potential energy works to the extent that they know how to set up everything to fall apart in just the right way. Think alt!Calliope but smaller
Become space - become the presence of space itself. Every part where there's space you can become part of the flow, the presence of volume is your thing. You are shape, size, and mass
declutter - just like every other heir, you spread your aspect all over the place. Luckily, in this case, that's a good thing. At least I think it is? You make everything organized without even realizing it, which now that I think about it might make stuff hard to find. I mean, you're a space player so you should be fine
Frog manifestation - inherit the power of your own universe. By this point you've won the game, so chances are whatever your purpose is extends beyond the scope of your session
Perception merge - create wrinkles or tesseracts in space by focusing on two places at once. Its kinda like instant transmission but for the surrounding world. You can just make planets smash into each other by going cross-eyed
Lost to Time - they will spend so long taking care of their universe that eventually they will see its end, as well as outlive all their friends. This will ensure a better future for sessions in that universe, but yeah still kinda sucks
Heir of Mind
I'm a floating brain - Vinny vinesauce. You get really high or just have a glorious fit of stupidity and convince yourself you're a floating brain, and because of this you can become one. In this mode you have sick sollux-tier psiionic powers but are more physically vulnerable as an exposed brain
Manipulate brain - you can make people feel things and think things. It's not direct mind control, more psychosis-induced illusion of choice. Basically mind control
Brainular erosion - you can cut off the very inception of an idea from someone's consciousness. Like Calliope in candy or Dirk with rose, where you literally make it impossible for them to worry or analyze. Happily sitting ducks
Karmic Braintivity - you can use your brain to entangle and unentangle certain events and paths, making certain characters relevent or irrelevant to whoever you want. You can shape destiny basically
Brainy thing - you're like...hmm. How do I say this? You're like an Eldritch being but...worse?!?? All psychological phenomena manifested in your head shoots out in the form of giant freakish branches covered in eyeballs and mouths and stuff. Touching the construct imbues the victim with a sense of existential dread along with screwing up their sensory channels, causing them to experience really uncomfortable synesthesia. They then become open to the power of suggestion, and the mind construct creates narratives for them, building fake sets for drama that isn't real, throwing the person's entire perception of reality off. You basically become trapped in a freaky world of illusion where you're trying the best you can just to hold onto existence. Utilize that in whatever way you see as useful--probably by killing it, and thus suffering ego death and unlocking some other power, like the power to percieve clearly without thought
Heir of Hope
So your powers are having the best powers and being a natural talent at using those powers. Hope is a very basic aspect once you learn it so this one isn't going to be as expansive as the others
I am the hope of the universe - ally to good, nightmare to your teammates. Honestly, no offense guys, but this is like the least active aspect paired with the class that does the least. Because you literally have to be the hope of your session, there will be a lot of Waiting for Goku™ in your session. You will go super Saiyan, but that doesn't mean everything will necessarily go wrong. In fact, out of all your teammates you probably have the biggest chance of screwing up of all of them
Give up your powers - eventually, you will have the same realization that Goku did at the end of the Cell saga (then forgot in the buu saga); you may be the solution to all of your team's problems, but you're also the cause as well even if you didn't do anything directly. At this point, your denizen will probably give you the option to divvy up the hope between all of your team mates and then you kinda just have no powers anymore
Until then though, you're strong as frick
Okay the end bye bye
Knights next. When? No clue, not making that mistake again

Hit upon a theory when watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off and I was shocked I couldn't find it anywhere on the internet. The reason things constantly seem to go right for Ferris Bueller is that he has lived this exact day countless times before a la Groundhog Day or Edge of Tomorrow.
The biggest piece of evidence is how he is able to plan for almost all possible contingencies to make sure his plan works - the Rube Goldberg-like mechanisms that are just good enough to work on his parents, outsmarting the snooty waiter, constantly outsmarting Rooney, covering every single possible flaw in the plan (the answering machine messages, calling Rooney while he's on the phone to 'Mr. Peterson'). The reason every gambit he makes works is that he has had the trial-and-error opportunity to perfect his day. He's incredibly lucky with every situation - able to catch the baseball at the game, able to sneak onto the float, able to hit the baseball perfectly onto his tape recorder at the end - and has mastered complex skills at a young age including being able to hack into his school's computer network.
This theory also justifies his mostly live-in-the-moment, no care for consequences attitude. His fixation on getting married to Sloan is another sign of this - he's desperate for this romance (by all accounts in its early days since the administrator isn't sure who Sloan is dating) to have some kind of meaning because in his head, he's been in a relationship with Sloan for years.
Thirdly, the constant fourth-wall breaking. This is a sign of the strain this time-loop has left on his brain - it has deluded him into thinking he has a constant audience that he can explain all his thoughts to. The camera is essentially his imaginary friend, a result of the trauma of reliving the same day constantly.
The theory is even supported by some of the dialogue - the moment where he looks into the camera and says 'this is the bit where Cameron goes berserk' suggests that he is recalling current events as a memory. Best of all, at the end of the movie when his parents come home and he's in bed, they ask him how he ended up so perfect. His response?
"Years of practice."

Special thanks to u/HappyGabe for letting me update this RT.

Finn the Human

"Jake, what I want is to help anyone who's in need, so everyone can be happy"
Finn Mertens is the son of Minerva and Martin Mertens, descendants of the group of humans who fled the mainland of Ooo after the Mushroom War, settling on islands far off the coast. Finn was lost at sea when his father's past as a con man caught up to him, eventually ending up lost in a forest on Ooo, where he was found and adopted by Joshua and Margaret the Dog. He was raised alongside their sons Jake and Jermaine. Finn would grow up to be Ooo's greatest hero alongside his brother, and the Champion of the Candy Kingdom. Finn is a king, a knight, the man who slew the primordial space tyrant Orgalorg, and above all else, someone who can't stand to see injustice in any form hurt another person.
Hover over the feats for the season and episode number. This is the list I'll be using for the numbers.

Physicals

Strength

"I've seen Finn battle giant monsters and even armies"
Striking With Weapons

• Shatters a crystal cell of the Citadel, a cosmic prison for the worst criminals in the multiverse.
• Cuts a giant ruby in half.
• Carves up a train's control panel.
• Cleaves a dragon in two.
• Easily cuts apart rock monsters.
• Chops down a large tree with a few swings of an axe.
• Shatters the weapons of a ghost gladiator.
• Shatters large crystal ants with single blows.
• Cuts the lid off of a grill.
• Cleaves a gladiator ghost and part of his shield in half.
• Decapitates a giant worm.
• Cuts through a large wooden hand.
• Shatters tooth monsters with a sledgehammer.
• Cuts apart a plant monster with Marceline's axe.
• Severs one of Hunson Abadeer's tendrils.
• Stabs through a bunch of steaks.
• Severs a flesh monster's thick arm.
• Cleaves apart wooden sign monsters.

Grass Sword

• Holds on to a massive crystal ship with giant aliens on it, even managing to pull it back for a second before being torn off Finn.
• Cuts apart Orgalorg.
  • Orgalorg easily tanked the impact of a catalyst comet.
• Clashes with Bandit Princess.
  • She can fell buildings.
• Lifts and crushes Giant Susan Strong. - Susan Strong RT
• Cuts off Jake Lich's hand.
• Shatters Farmworld Finn's ice.
• Easily cuts apart and blasts through a giant grass monster.
• Cuts through a pipe.

Striking

• Kicks a ogre in the stomach hard enough to make him puke after the ogre claimed it was impossible to hurt him.
• Hurts Marceline with a punch. - Marceline RT
• Punches off the top of a slime tank, which seems to be made of slime coated metal.
• Kicks apart a load bearing stone pillar.
• Smashes Ice King's ice. 2
• Kicks Ice King across a cell, knocking him out.
• Punches a Swamp Ogre high into the air.
• Headbutts a large boulder, pushing it into a canyon.
• Shatters the Fire Palace's big stone door.
• Breaks through a thick stone wall.
• Knocks off a ghost's head.
• One shots a teen bear with a headbutt.
• Shatters a door with a kick.
• Breaks apart a wooden cage with a kick.
• Shatters the top of a skull with a kick.
• Dropkicks a missile across a bridge.
• Punches back a why-wolf.
• Kicks over an old pole.
• Snaps a telescope over his knee.
• Slaps a Marauder off of him.
  • Another Marauder no sells a glass breaking against his head.
• Sends Jake flying with a kick.
• Kicks a dummy into a car hard enough to shake it.
• Sends candy zombies flying with kicks.
• Kicks over some tables.
• One shots Lake Knights.

Lifting/Throwing

• Lifts the gargantuan Evil Monster over his head into a pit.
• Swings Jake in his big sword form.
• Rips off a big cyclops' head and carries it back to the Treehouse.
• Runs with and throws a sharpened tree.
• Uses a tree as a club to hit a large spider.
• Casually throws a frisbee that is larger than himself with one hand.
• Flips aside a large oven.
• Throws a jellyfish very high into the air.
• Throws his sword hard enough to embed the blade in the ground.
• Throws his sword hard enough to embed it in a tree.
• Throws a wooden ball hard enough to knock out a large bear.
• Throws a rock high into the air.
• Throws a necklace over the horizon.
• Lifts a why-wolf using a small clocktower.
• Easily lifts and runs with a wooden bench.
• Throws the Jiggler a fair distance.

Pushing/Pulling

• Prevents a massive crystal ship with large aliens on it from being pulled away for a time.
• Pushes a massive emerald up a steep incline.
• Restrains Jake.
• Rips the Demon Blood Sword out of its chains.
• Kills the Lich with Princess Bubblegum's sweater.
• Pushes over a fridge.
• Overpowers a Marauder.
• Rips a toothbrush in half.

Other

• Breaks a large hole in Pure Elemental Patience St. Pim's ice dome.
  • Non-Pure Patience's ice is stronger than Ice King's.
• Blocks blows from a large monster.
  • The monster could punch holes in the ground and tear apart trees.
• Slams a large rock into a wall hard enough to shatter it.
• Tears apart his rope restraints.
• Busts out of his sleeping bag.
• Rips off the tip of an icicle.
• Breaks a pencil by biting it.

Durability

"C'mon bro, taking pain is easy. You just have to imagine that every bruise is a hickey from the universe, and everyone wants to get with the universe"
Endurance

• Adventured for 7 days straight.
• Stood in line for 27 days and 18 hours straight.

Pain Tolerance

• Powers through having both his legs broken.
• Runs on broken legs.
• Powers through having animated roots hook into his face.

Blunt

• Mostly unharmed after taking a punch and stomps from Little Dude.
  • Little Dude is strong.
• Fine after falling from a high height.
• Gets thrown from the top of an enormous tree.
• Takes multiple hits from an angry Jake and continues to fight.
• Gets punched by Giant Susan.
• Walks off getting hit by a crystal guardian.
  • The guardian is capable of matching Jake in strength, but may have only been using enough strength to match Finn.
• Gets punched by Jake hard enough to make a hole in stone.
• Fine after getting rammed by Snorlok.
  • Snorlok tears apart the Treehouse just by moving through it.
• Gets bounced around by large snails that cause heavy damage to a large section of the Treehouse.
• Tanks a hit from the Grumbo, which can easily plow through the wall of the Banana Guard barracks. 2
• Gets hit through a wall by Bubblegum Lich. - Lich RT
• Gets punched out of the air and into a building by Bubblegum Lich.
• Tanks multiple blows from the gargantuan Evil Monster.
• Gets punched into the ground by the Farm.
• Gets punched by a cyclops, leaving an imprint of his fist in the ground.
• No sells falling through a metal roof.
• Gets punched by the Lich Hand.
• Takes a punch from a gladiator ghost.
• Gets flung by Lady Rainicorn's parents and Jake.
• Fine after a fall that shatters the metal cage he was in.
• Fine after getting smacked through a hardened magma structure by amped Lady Rainicorn.
• Tanks getting flicked by giant Hunson Abadeer.
• Takes multiple hits from the Bucket Knight, who is capable of punching him through stone.
• Fine after falling through several floors of a tower.
• Fine after going off a big jump that results in making a large crater in the snow.
• Takes hits from Marceline.
• Tanks a kick from Ice King.
• Takes a hit from Ice King's beard that launches him up a hill of snow.
• Tanks a spring loaded shoe that sends him flying hard enough to smash through the top of a guillotine.
• Tanks getting hit in the face with a rolling log.
• Jumps out of the Treehouse with no problem.
• Fine after getting hit by a big flesh monster.
• Tanks getting thrown into a car.

Piercing/Slashing

• Gets chewed on by multiple animals, including a bear, and is fine.
• Tanks getting slashed by Me-Mow.
• Fine after a bunch of skeletons try to bite his flesh off.
• Unfazed by a snake biting him.

Cold

• Fine after being encased in a block of ice.
• Fine after being frozen.

Heat

• Jumps in lava and survives, but is in a full body cast afterwards.
• Fine after having his head dunked in lava.
• Fine after sticking his foot in Jake's imagined lava.
• Only slightly injured after a close encounter with lava.
• Fine after getting caught in Flame Princess' pillar that instantly melted a deep hole in the ground.
• Fine after getting hit by a wave of heat that incinerated his wizard robe.
• Sits in a BBQ.
• No sells rubbing his hands together to generate enough heat to light some leaves on fire.

Electricity

• Drinks from an enchanted spring that makes him immune to electricity.
  • No sells Thunder Boar's electricity.
  • No sells an eel's electricity.
• Tanks lightning.
• Powers through 12 units from Lemongrab's reconditioning chamber.
• Gets shocked with 10 units by Lemongrab's reconditioning chamber, when only 4 badly hurt the Pup Gang.
• Powers through being electrocuted.

Energy/Explosive

• Gets hit by a massive explosion and is fine.
• Fine after getting hit by magic wands that melt buildings.
• Takes a magic bolt from Magic Man to the face.
• Gets blasted back by Ice King's Icipede.

Mental

• Resists the Lich's mind control, though he ends up opening the portal for him on accident.
• Resists the Lich enough to fight back.
• Overpowers a mage's "brain world".
• Resists Goliad's attempt to read his mind.
• Unaffected by Fight King's magic that made other gladiators kill their best friends.
• Defeats King Worm, who had him trapped in a dream, by unleashing his subconscious fears to break the dream world.
• Resists the Lich's mind control with the help of Princess Bubblegum's sweater.

Transformation Resistance

• Unaffected by the Ice Elemental transformation that got Jake.
• The Candy Elemental spell that overpowered the other Elementals doesn't effect him, but t does change his backpack.
• Literally tears his way out of being transformed into a cat by the Grand Master Wizard.
• After getting transformed into an egg by Magic Man, moves himself off of a shelf.
• After being transformed into an egg by Magic Man and cooked into bread, animates the bread.

Other

• Gets sucked into a black hole and is blasted back out after destroying it using his 4th-dimensional sword.
• Unfazed by a monster's acid.
• Powers through walking through a river filled with electric eels and so acidic it melts a boat.
• Chills in a frog monster's stomach acid.
• Gets his head squeezed by Ice King's Ice Centipede.
• Eats a broom.

Speed/Agility

"You're a dynamo, Finn!"
Reaction/Dodging

• Deflects multiple close range bolts of lightning from the Ice King.
• Blocks hair ape lightning after it had been fired.
• Dives in front of Ice King's lightning to save Neptr, though the lightning curves around him.
• Blocks soundwaves after they'd been fired.
• Catches an arrow.
• Dodges a reflected crossbow bolt. 2
• Dodges and blocks magic beams from Nightosphere Marceline. 2
• Cuts a egg thrown by Rattleballs out of the air. - Rattleballs RT
• Swats energy bolts from Battle Cubes out of the air.
• Reflects a fireball from Fire Elemental-amped Flambo.
• Deflects a fireball.
• Dodges a blast of magic from Ice King.
• Dodges shots from a slime tank.
• Dodges blasts of magic from the Trash Mermaid.
• Dodges several traps and creatures while making his way through a dungeon.
• Dodges a knife swipe from Tiffany.
• Dodges an attack from the giant Evil Monster.
• Dodges strikes from the Mama Jiggler.
• Dodges big scissors.
• Dodges some rolling logs and a swinging axe.

Movement

• Carves a candle into his face so fast that the candle and man swinging it appear to move in slow motion.
• Stops Marceline from staking the Vampire King. - Marceline RT
• Runs up Jake's back while he's giant.
• Runs up the vertical side of a bookcase.
• Outruns a tidal wave for a time.
• Blitzes Ice King.
• Keeps pace with wolves running on all fours.
• Keeps away from a why-wolf.
• Saves BMO from falling.
• Saves Princess Bubblegum from falling from the top of a tower.

Agility

• Parkours through the City of Thieves.
• Climbs a greasy pole.
• Easily crawls on the walls of the Treehouse.
• Easily climbs an ice pillar and jumps between hanging icicles.
• Easily scales a tower.
• Leaps from disconnected train cars back onto the rest of the train.
• Flips multiple times from a standing position.
• Does a triple flip.
• Does flips out of a one-handed handstand.
• Handsprings across a field.
• Jumps across the Junk River.
• Jumps nearly to the ceiling of a tall room.
• Jumps pretty high into the air.
• Jumps up the Mama Jiggler.

Skill

"First off, I'm a great fighter"
Combat Skill

• Uses the Chokey Brokey Style.
• Trained under master swordsman Rattleballs.
• Defeats a bunch of ghost gladiators with ease.
• Flips while jumping over a well in order to kick down a why-wolf.
• Disarms Tiffany with a kick.
• Does some sword tricks.

Intelligence

• Tricks Kee-oth the demon into absorbing holy grape juice.
• Solves the crime of Tree Trunks' stolen apples.
• Figures out that a frog monster is actually someone who's been cursed.
• Builds a catapult out of trash.
• Makes a rube goldberg machine to wake up Lemongrab.
• Picks the lock to Ice King's cell.
• Knows a code to communicate with Jake and Bubblegum.

Accuracy

• Makes an insane paper airplane throw.
• Folds a giant dollar into a paper airplane and accurately throws it to the ogre at the bottom of the mountian.
• Cuts off the heads of three ghosts with a single thrown sword.
• Blinds Ice King with a snowball.
• Throws his sword pretty accurately into the air.
• Dominates a carnival game.

Quick Thinking

• Works around his debilitating fear of the ocean to save Jake by knocking himself out and sinking to the bottom.
• Covers himself in serum so that the horde of zombies around him cure themselves when they bite him.
• Uses Banana Man's peel to launch his car into a giant lizard.
• Uses Ice King's jacket as a glider then uses its scent in order to have an angler lard take him back.
• Steals an ogre's big dollar to use as a glider.
• Uses a carrot to escape a cage.
• Makes up a sad song to bum out the Party Bears in order to save them.
• Comes up with a plan to destroy the Business Men's robot.

Stealth

• Perfectly blends in to Jake's shadow, appearing to rise from the ground.
• Puts an earplug in Lemongrab's ear without waking him up.
• Clings to the ceiling in order to ambush a criminal.

Other

• Spent a long time traveling Ooo while having to keep his eyes closed. Jake mentions that he had to do so for a bunch of years.
• He can autotune his voice on command.
  • He uses this to change his voice.
• Pretty good at spitting.

Gear

"Am I an axe guy? I've always thought of myself as a sword guy"

Finn's Main Swords

• Scarlet
• Root Sword
• Demon Blood Sword
  • Stands up to Nightosphere Marceline's blood cloud blast. - Nightosphere Amulet RT
• Grass Sword
  • When not in use the sword curls around Finn's arm.
  • Cuts an apple too perfectly.
  • The end spins like a buzzsaw.
  • Angles itself to help dislodge a gumball.
  • Regenerates after being cut apart by Rattleballs.
  • Kills the physical manifestation of Finn's fear of the ocean.
  • Fills in the missing arm of Finn's spacesuit.
  • Extends the blade and splits into tendrils.
• Finn Sword
  • Created when Finn interrupts his past self from waking up Jake.
• Small Sword
• Night Sword
  • Has a compass.
  • Imbued with Nightosphere magic.
  • Peppermint Butler uses the sword to restrain Hunson Abadeer, but whether this is the sword's power or his own isn't clear.

Other Blades

• Dual katanas.
• A dagger.
• Lightning sword.
  • Shatters a bunch of large crystal ants.
• Fire sword.
• A stake sword for killing vampires.
• Keeps a bunch of various blades, including Billy's sword Nothung.

Robot Arm

• Built for him by Princess Bubblegum.
• Has a plethora of modes.
• Weed Wacker Mode.
• Rock Drill Mode.
• Fan Mode.

The Gauntlet of the Hero

• Shoots a beam of energy that easily carves through the ground and Ice King's ice.
• The beam propels Jake so that he can catch up to the Lich and displaces a large pillar of water.
• The beam destroys skeleton warriors and blows a large hole in the concrete floor.

Other Weapons

• A flamethrower.
• 10 magic rings.
• A large sledgehammer.
• An axe.
• A crossbow.
• A fire crown.
  • Throws a piece of meat at Jake.
  • Shatters a large crystal ant.
• An eyeball flail.
• A reflective shield.
• A magic staff.
• A battle moon.
• A spider web staff.

Misc Gear

Backpack

• Usually wears his green backpack.
• Has an extra large backpack.

Other

• Monoculars, toothbrush, water bottle, rope, sweater, trail mix, and his flute.
• Binoculars.
• Bells.
• Pudding.
• Headphones and a tape recorder.
• Stone Skin potions.
• Magic Nails that turns a shoe into a weapon and LSP into a cyborg.
• Scissors.
• A sweater.
• A flashlight.
• A vial of cyclops tears, which can heal any wound.
• A phone.
• A holo-tablet.
• A holobook.

Jake Suit

The Jake Suit is when Finn wears Jake's body like a suit and is able to utilize his powers. Jake has no control over his body when Finn wears the suit.

Physicals

• Finn feels no pain in the suit.
• Knocks around Giant Susan Strong.
• Takes hits from Giant Susan.
• Shatters a table and kicks off the top of the Treehouse.
• Thunderclaps hard enough to knock out Earclops.
• Dodges a strike from an Earclops.

Stretching

• Stretches and twists his arms.
• Turns his hand into a megaphone to amplify sound enough to knock out Earclops.

Magic

Wizard Powers

These powers were given to Finn and Jake by a magic school, though they are tied to wizard robes that were destroyed by the end of the episode.

• Other student wizards who are a lower level than what Finn achieves show some spells, including telekinesis, teleportation, and extracting a soul.
• Dustomancy.
• Shadowcery.
• Hair Growth.
• Generate Mayonaise.
• Beauteous Wings.
• Vorpal Hand.
• Create Fireworks.
• Sleep.
• Dragon Eyes.
• Tiger Claw.
• Blazing Feet.
• Awaken.
• Reflect.
• Ultimate Magical Hand.

Fridjitzu

These spells were learned by Finn and Jake from one of Ice King's spell books, though they forgot the hand signs needed to cast them.

• Dagger of Chilled Glass.
• Force of Blizzard.
• Caltrop Hail Storm.
• Snow Blind.
• Ice Sword and Shuriken.

Telekinesis

• Rips up pieces of the landscape to build an enormous tower.
• Destroys the candy arm Princess Bubblegum made for him.
• Creates a phantom arm.
• Makes the arm grow and get spiky to punch fake Martin.

Misc Magic

• Imagines a imagination switch in order to turn Jake's imagination back on.
  • This power only showed up for one episode.
• Summons and commands his Astral Beasts, which turn out to be butterflies.
• Knocks out Abracadaniel with a Power Shriek.
• Knows the spell to create a portal to the Nightosphere.

"I'm pretty sure I can take you, bro"